Accompanying filmmaker, author and pastor Laju Iren to a television interview recently turned out to be more than just another media appearance. In the course of the conversation, she made a remark that lingered with me. Women, she said, must be careful not to define themselves solely by the labels society gives them or by the roles they play, such as wife, daughter, sister, friend and even mother.
These roles are important and meaningful, she acknowledged, but they should never become the total definition of a woman’s identity. Because when those roles change or diminish, many women suddenly find themselves asking a troubling question: Who am I without them?
She’s right. In many societies, including ours, women are often taught early in life who they are expected to become for others before they are encouraged to discover who they are for themselves. From childhood, expectations begin to take shape: how to behave, how to serve, how to support and how to sacrifice.
These expectations are not always wrong. They often come from culture, tradition and the natural rhythms of family life. But the danger is allowing those expectations to become the only mirror through which a woman sees herself.
Yet it is often women themselves who plant the earliest seeds of purpose in others.
Dear Nigerian woman, you have been called many things in life: daughter, sister, wife, friend and mother. Each name carries love, duty and expectation. There is dignity in these roles and beauty in the care, sacrifice and strength they often require.
But beyond these identities lies the truth that you are not only the roles you play in the lives of others.
A woman, in many ways, is like an onion. She has layers, some visible and others hidden beneath the surface. There is the daughter people see, the sister others rely on, the wife expected to build a home and the mother who nurtures life. But beneath those layers are other parts of her identity: the dreamer, the thinker, the creator, and the woman still discovering who she is meant to become.
The mistake society often makes is stopping at the outer layers and assuming that what is most visible is all there is. Yet a woman’s identity, like the layers of an onion, is deeper than the roles assigned to her.
A woman is also a dreamer. A builder. A thinker. A creator.
For generations, many women have been raised to believe that fulfilment lies solely in how well they serve others. Society celebrates the woman who sacrifices endlessly, who holds everyone together and who quietly carries the weight of family and community. There is honour in that. But it’s dangerous when a woman’s entire sense of self is tied only to those roles.
Life changes. Children grow up and leave home. Careers evolve. Friendships shift. Seasons of life move on. When the roles that once defined a woman begin to transform or fade, some women suddenly feel as though the foundation of their identity has been shaken. But identity must grow deeper than titles. Your worth was never meant to be anchored solely on what you do for others.
You are allowed to have dreams that belong to you. Dreams that grow from that quiet place within you where purpose lives. They are dreams that sometimes whisper long before they are spoken aloud. Perhaps you want to write stories. Perhaps you want to start a business. Perhaps you want to lead, create, innovate or build something meaningful. Perhaps you simply want to become a fuller version of yourself. Whatever that calling may be, it deserves space to breathe and wings to fly.
Being a wife does not cancel your individuality. Being a mother does not silence your voice. Being a daughter or sister does not mean your aspirations must shrink. You can be many things at once. You can nurture others and still nurture your own gifts. You can build a home and still build a legacy. You can love deeply and still pursue purpose.
Across Nigeria today, many women are rediscovering parts of themselves that once lay hidden beneath layers of expectation. They are returning to school, launching businesses, telling stories, growing communities and leading conversations in spaces that once felt closed to them. They are not rejecting their roles. They are simply refusing to be limited by them. Stories often remind us of these possibilities.
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Featured Image by Ekaterina Bolovtsova for Pexels
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